A Kat's Tale

Exact Change is Bad for Business...

2010-09-17T15:34:00.000-07:00

I hate quarters. I really do. If I never have to see another quarter again, I will die a happy girl. That really goes for all change in general, but quarters symbolize all that is wrong with coins.

What do you think of when you think of quarters? Let's start with what I think... George Washington? Not really. Pinball? Sometimes, but not often enough. Laundry? Check. Parking meters? Check. Parking tickets? Oh holy hell, check. And so we are forced to look at every quarter as an opportunity to do more laundry and avoid more parking tickets; it's as if each quarter might be the very last quarter you will get or like that bad boyfriend you had when you were 22... as much as you hate them, you covet each and every one that crosses your path.

Which brings me back to the title of this posting. Exact change is bad for business and this is something that is distinctly 2010. With the mass integration of the laundry card and the credit card parking meters, it's made life so much easier. There is no longer that moment where you are doing your laundry, you have just enough quarters and one of them slips out of your hand and rolls under the machine, forcing you to run to the nearest Ralph's and buy a stick of gum just for the change. Now it's all the laundry you want. You want to do your whites separate from your colors and then sort your colors by pastels, rustic colors and bolds? Go ahead. You want your socks to have their own load? Be my guest. You want to wash that delicate lingerie that's been sitting in your laundry basket for two months because it says "Wash with delicates only" and you've never had other delicates? You get the point. My building still has old fashioned coin operated laundry machines and so every other week, I pack my laundry up and lug it across town to my boyfriend's laundry room where they accept the laundry card.

The same goes for parking meters. Whereas I was always cutting it so close with my time, often getting tickets because of it, just to avoid having to use another quarter (that I will need for laundry), now I slip my credit card in, give myself an extra hour and perhaps buy the next person's parking time as well. Self preservation and altruism all with the quick swipe of my Mastercard.

So if you are asking for quarters, you are going to lose business. Be smart. Take the magnetic strip option. You won't regret it. You might even get a little rich.

Elevators are not for sharing

2010-07-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

I hate riding elevators with other people. I just do and don't lie to me and tell me you don't, cause you do too.

The other day, I called the elevator in my apartment building and exhaled a sigh of relief when I realized that no one else was around. However, when the elevator doors dinged open, I heard the shuffling of keys in the front door of the building and in response, I rushed into the elevator, frantically pressed the door close button (which NEVER works) and prayed to the gods of elevation that I would be able to take this ride alone. I did. Win.

I took a look at my behavior and I recognized that this is not consistent with who I am. It would makes sense if I were a hermit or OCD or just plain out mean, but I am the girl who helped a little old lady carry her tray to her table at the mall food court last night and spent the weekend at comic-con surrounded by 125k nerds and doesn't use Purell after I pump gas (must to the shock and dismay of my boyfriend's colleague). Then I thought about one of my favorite musicals of all time and some lyrics that made me feel a bit less alone in these evil ways.

"Schadenfreude" from AVENUE Q

NICKY: Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"
GARY AND NICKY: "No!!!" Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN: "Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"

I sent the elevator down to the first floor after I got off the elevator, so at least I'm better than those muppets.

The Real Losers of the Digital Age

2010-07-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

There is a huge problem in our society that is being completely glossed over; an entire industry in shambles and no one is coming to their rescue. Postcards.

First came the digital camera.

Then came camera phones.

Then came the MMS.

And now... with the emergence of the beautiful 5 megapixel picture taking of the iPhone 4, with it's HD quality video camera making sparkling photos and videos an email away, why would anyone in their right mind spend $5 for 4 postcards that is a picture that someone else took, from a view you didn't see the location from, at a time you weren't there.

Poor postcards.

RIP

P.S. Check out the hilarious book of mean spirited postcards Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals.

Tiger Woods is the new Don Draper!

2009-12-17T17:31:00.000-08:00

As if we haven't heard enough about Tiger Woods and that he's slept with enough girls to make a 2010 Cocktail Waitress Calendar, I've come up with more to discuss about him. Considering the Mad Men mania of the past two years (Banana Republic has a Mad Men inspired line, I went to a Mad Men themed Holiday Party, etc...), I'm shocked that nobody has drawn the comparisons between Tiger and Don Draper.

Let us analyze...

-Don Draper and Tiger Woods are both marketing geniuses.

-Don Draper and Tiger Woods both have created false identities about being successful, yet wholesome family men only to have their secrets revealed, causing their lives to dive into a downward spiral.

-Don Draper and Tiger Woods are both married to beautiful Grace Kelly look-a-likes.

-Don Draper and Tiger Woods both have two children (a boy and a girl) NOTE: I am pretending the season 3 baby doesn't exist.

-Don Draper and Tiger Woods both cheat a whole fucking lot: fuck anything that walks, anytime, anywhere, if there is a vagina, his dick's been in it.

-Don Draper and Tiger Woods cheat on their wives in public places (golf courses, bars, hotels, cars, etc..) and are idiotic to think that they will never be found out and consequently have their families taken from them (or be chased into a fire hydrant by a golf club).

-Don Draper and Tiger Woods both cheat on their wives with women who are nothing like their wives (Don goes for smart, worldly brunettes; Tiger for trashy barmaids and porn stars).

-Don Draper and Tiger Woods are both in the middle of nasty divorces.

-Don Draper and Tiger Woods both make for riveting television.

Let the holiday parties be unleashed!

2009-12-05T15:17:00.000-08:00

Forget about swine flu shots, forget about colds and fever, Thanksgiving has passed which means one thing and one thing only...

...it's time for your calendars to be infested by holiday parties.

Well, at least mine is.

The great thing about holiday parties "developed" within the film business is that they are not just holiday parties, these are full on entertainment productions. And considering this has been one of the slowest film production years in recent history, I have a feeling that quite a bit of creative frustration will be unleashed over the next few weeks.

While I will not supply the gossip, nor the names, nor the addresses, nor the sordid details of my nights, what I will do is give the highlights of these parties as they unfold.

It'll surely be the best movie of the year...

And stop calling me Shirley!

Mike Le Intervews Kat Blasband... shit.

2009-11-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

While mourning the loss of my Inadvertent Live In Girlfriend (yes, she finally moved out), my dear friend, Mike Le, misguidedly asked me to be the subject of one of his interviews for his very popular entertainment blog/web-comic Don't Forget To Validate Your Parking. I went ahead and read some of the previous interviews and quickly discerned that mine would easily rank as #1 in funny (if the ranking system starts at 1 with any other number being the highest). I will preface this that if you are related to me, dating me or I work for you, my words were all turned around and everything I said was taken out of context... unless it makes me look good, in which case, I meant every word. I look forward to the backlash. Please enjoy and if anything, you have a new blog to read and love to replace mine.

http://www.dontforgettovalidateyourparking.com/Interviews/KatBlasband.html

Sh*t My Inadvertent Live In Girlfriend Says...

2009-10-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

I think by now most of you have heard about the Twitter sensation, ShitMyDadSays. Well, after 30 Days of my Inadvertent Live In Girlfriend (ILIG), I've collected a few gems from her that are worth sharing. Some are funny, some are weird and others are just plain dumb. This is not meant for children under 17 or the elderly (Parents and other family, please stop reading here!!!).

Sh*t My Inadvertent Live In Girlfirend Says...

"Kevin is mad at me cause I'm being negative but the thing is...I hate people."

"She's really tall, she's like 5'12"."

"Kat's looking at vacuums? What the fuck has happened? Did you do this by choice?"

Me: "I want to get a wall decal for the door."
ILIG: "Yeah, then you can be like... it's the door."

"I'm not German, just my last name is."

"Those Smart Cars are fucking stupid."

"I don't like this fucking Anne Frank character." (While watching Mad Men)

And my personal favorite...

"Nothing's worse than a penis that's not big enough to smack you in the face."

And...

"That's the thing... what is the context for that?" (re: penis quote)

The Killers make no sense and have crappy grammar...

2009-10-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

I know this song is old and lots of you have heard me gripe about this before, but, damnit, it's still bothering me... bothering me enough to put the big question out there to the world and seek answers from all my enlightened readers (Mom and Dad, I'm not expecting you to have the answers to this one).

Here are my questions:

1) We can only be human or dancer? Really?! Why is this an EITHER/OR question, when clearly it feels like in most cases it's an AND (well, maybe not most cases, made apparent by a few rhythmically challenged guy friends of mine)?

2) WE CAN'T BE DANCER, GODDAMNIT!!! Either WE are DANCERS or YOU are A DANCER! Did the Killers not go to school? I don't need my rock stars to have Ivy League caliber intelligence, but a Middle School reading level would be nice; at least know how to match up singular and plural nouns and verbs.

3) What does any of this mean?! Sounds like pretentious hipster mumbo jumbo to me. I can't believe they never once used the word "ironic" or referenced a vintage cardigan in the lyrics.

I did my best to notice
when the call came down the line
up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind
and sometimes I get nervous
when I see an open door
close your eyes, clear your heart
cut the cord
are we human or are we dancer
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and I’m on my knees looking for the answer
are we human or are we dancer
pay my respects to grace and virtue
send my condolences to good
give my regards to soul and romance
they always did the best they could
and so long to devotion, you taught me everything I know
wave good bye, wish me well
you gotta let me go
are we human or are we dancer
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and I’m on my knees looking for the answer
are we human or are we dancer
will your system be alright
when you dream of home tonight
there is no message were receiving
let me know is your heart still beating
are we human or are we dancer
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and I’m on my knees looking for the answer
you’ve gotta let me know
are we human or are we dancer
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and I’m on my knees looking for the answer
are we human
or are we dancer
are we human or are we dancer
are we human or are we dancer

The Similarities between Paranormal Activity and getting my Wisdom Tooth pulled...

2009-10-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went through the greatest feared event that almost everyone has to experience and almost as many have a first hand or second hand horror story for... I got my wisdom tooth pulled. What is interesting about the process is that I've found that the build up and result of this frightening procedure was not too dissimilar to that of seeing the scary movie of the moment, Paranormal Activity.

When my wisdom tooth/Paranormal was overgrown/released, I knew that it was a matter of time before I had to get it taken out/see it. For weeks, I battled with the idea of going to the dentist/theatre, but I continued to put it off until more and more people told me I had to do it. However, these same people told me how painful/scary the procedure/movie was that it kept me from going even longer. The fear was so built up in my head that once I was forced to go to the oral surgeon/movie, I had such great and awful expectations for how painful/scary the procedure/film would be and how, after the fact, I wouldn't be able to sleep for days because of my mouth pain/fear of demons slithering in my bed and taking over my soul. However, the procedure/movie was much shorter and much less frightening than I had anticipated. The worst parts being the fear of what might happen, but it was not bad enough to make me cry (though I did scream and squeal a bit throughout). After I extracted the tooth/left the movie, I realized that I felt much better, it was way easier than I thought it would be and shortly thereafter exhaustedly went to sleep.

My one question is whether during my procedure, a demon took over my soul, cause I think my post-op face looks oddly similar to that of the actress in the dramatic conclusion of Paranormal Activity.

(I'm laughing, but only successfully out of the left side of my face, the right being completely paralyzed. Hotnesssss!)

Verb My Noun...

2009-10-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

There is no way around it... "verb my noun" sounds dirty. Play a little game of Mad Libs and fill in any Verb and any Noun with a "my" in the middle. See what happens. You wanna know what happened? You just sounded like you were propositioning me and I am slightly offended, you dick, what kind of girl do you think I am?

Examples:

The Obvious: Stroke my sausage...
The Slightly Less Obvious: Paint my pumpkin...
The Ridiculous: Read my turkey...
The Literal: Verb my noun...

Each of those sentences are filled with all sorts of innuendo and will get taken the wrong way... especially if you add some ellipses... because, as my one friend pronounced... "ellipses are the sluttiest of all punctuation."

Hey guys... who wants to read my blog?

Paranormal Activity is the scariest movie I haven't seen!

2009-10-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

I wonder which is scarier: my fear of seeing Paranormal Activity or the movie itself. Ever since I was somehow coerced (on Wednesday) into agreeing to see this movie (later tonight) I have spent my days in shameless fear. The escalating paranoia leading up to what could possibly be so damn scary to cause Steven Spielberg to return the movie in a garbage bag has given me a gray hair or two and on many occasions caused me to think up excuses as to why I cannot show up tonight (faking my own death was a viable option). My fear is getting so out of hand that I have even asked my Inadvertent Live-In Girlfriend to ask her date to take her as well, so that when we slip in the bed together tonight, she and I will be able to understand and console each other with empathy and compassion. Maybe I have built this movie up so much that it will be but a mild fright fest and I will come home and sleep like a peaceful baby. I'm guessing that won't be the case. This could be the thing that gets me drinking again.

Wish me luck.

Which came first the chicken or Michael Cera?

2009-10-07T19:58:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't love Michael Cera? Sometimes I feel like I wish there was more than one Michael Cera. Well, it seems like my wish has come true and you can now get a Michael Cera in two colors: blonde and Jesse Eisenberg. While they may look different, I can't seem to tell the difference in their awkward/nerdy inflection. But really, so long as we keep getting awesome movies like SUPERBAD and ZOMBIELAND, who cares? I'll take em both.

I have officially crowned them the new McConaughey/Harrelson.

My Inadvertent Live-In Girlfriend (or why I now speak in "we")

2009-10-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

I've received quite a bit of flack from my faithful readers (sorry Mom and Dad) for my extended hiatus just after starting off to a strong start on my blog. Just like Letterman, I feel like I need to explain myself (though I will do this in less than 10 minutes): I have an inadvertent live-in girlfriend.

One of my sisters (sorority-style) was considering moving back to LA and so planned a one week trip. The plan was for her to stay with me for a couple days. Considering we hadn't seen each other in a year, we had a lot of catching up to do which couldn't fit into that period of time and so of course the obvious next step was for her to cancel her flight and stay with me indefinitely. While her mother may suspect that she is "overstaying her welcome," I somehow turned this situation into having a partner in crime. In the past week and a half that we have been together, however, I have noticed some shocking trends that suspiciously mirror the act of my terribly boring married/coupled friends (no offense). Here are a few:

1) We don't make other plans without consulting each other.
2) We ask what the other is in the mood to eat.
3) When we don't hear otherwise, we assume we have plans together.
4) We check in multiple times a day.
5) We have the same bedtime.
6) We sleep in the same bed.
7) We host couples' dinner parties together (where everyone is a couple but us).
8) We speak in "we."
9) We pillow fight.
10) When I do something she doesn't like, she beats me.

The Jennifer's Body Conundrum

2009-09-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

It could be argued that Jennifer's Body fell into a fiery blaze of box office hell because it wasn't a very good movie. I would argue that anyone using that argument did not see the movie and certainly did not see it with one of their own BFFs. I would like to take this opportunity to assert that it's lack of success is not due to lack of merit, but rather the fiscal manifestation of the Megan Fox/Diablo Cody backlash; a backlash, that had anyone taken the time to see the movie, they would find out is completely unwarranted.

The year was 2007 and the two coolest bad ass chicks in the film business were Diablo Cody and Megan Fox. They enjoyed meteoric success, were loved at the speed of light and enjoyed a healthy dose of insta-fame. This adoration quickly lost it's luster as soon as everyone else figured out that everyone else loved them. We were no longer special for discovering their "talents." Subsequently, Diablo became a one-hit wonder hack and Megan a talentless twit... at least that's what the media wanted you to think.

Cut to 2009... these two were still at the top of every executive's writer/actress lists, but the public and inter-Hollywood smack talk was as strong as ever, especially when their follow ups to their 2007 blockbusters happened to share the same title. Megan dutifully whored herself to Conan/Ryan/Perez and substantially served as the center of a big plate of controversy; Jennifer's Body was dubbed a Diablo Cody film, making Karyn Kusama's directing credit metaphorically impossible to find. It was certain to be a huge hit with all of this exposure. But like the backlash that had occurred following the mega-watt success of Juno and Transformers, the backlash for Jennifer's Body seems to have transpired before anyone bothered to see the movie. Everyone premeditated being annoyed by the Diablo-isms and assumed watching Megan Fox "act" for 100 minutes would be like watching paint dry while she simultaneously scratches your retinas. I know this, because these thoughts crept in the back of my mind as I purchased $15 tickets and it was so eloquently expressed by the friend I had to talk into seeing the movie. But what ended up happening is that Diablo's prowess at creating distinct, interesting characters, original stories and catchy lingo prevailed and Megan shockingly proved to be an actress capable of playing an insecure high school sex pot and blood thirsty demon. The only problem is, no one bothered to find out.

...there's always the DVD.

...or next weekend.

Kanye West & Taylor Swift Fall In Love...

2009-09-16T17:17:00.000-07:00

A heartwarming love story:
Kanye West & Taylor Swift Fall In Love
CLICK ON ME!!!

The Kanye West/Jay Leno Conspiracy

2009-09-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

I will preface this blog post by saying that I am all for conspiracy theories. When I was a teenager and saw the film JFK for the first time, I thought I single-handedly could break open the second shooter theory (I was an early adopter of the internet superhighway, after all). I always thought that I might have been Nancy Drew in a previous life and Veronica Mars was almost too relateable (just ask my exes).

So it's no wonder that my first instinct, after seeing Kanye do something so asinine that I can't believe that even he could be so stupid and then finding out that he would be performing the following night on the premiere of The Jay Leno Show, would be that Kanye and NBC are in cahoots.

I have never had any interest whatsoever in Jay Leno; not when he was on The Tonight Show and certainly not when he is stealing 5 hours from scripted programming. HOWEVER, I Tivoed the first episode tonight, not because I give two craps about Leno or Jerry Seinfeld or even Jay-Z, but because I want to see how quickly Kanye's egotastic tale goes between his legs. How ridiculously convenient is that though?

I can just imagine the NBC brass trying to clean up Ben Silverman's mess and saying to each other, "How the fuck are we going to convince America to watch The Tonight Show twice?!" Oh, I know! Let's have Kanye make an ass out of himself on live television and then his big apology can come the night after on Leno.

Looks like Kanye will be stealing Jerry Seinfeld's moment too...

My someecards.com job application

2009-09-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

I love someecards.com. If you haven't received a someecard from me or haven't sent one yourself, you must redirect your browser immediately. If you would like to finish reading this blog post before you get your mind blown, the long and short of it is that it's very basic ecards that approach every holiday/event/life situation from a sarcastic/ironic/bitchy perspective (similarly to how I approach life).

Anyhow, because I also love Twitter, I've found a way to meld the two: by following someecards on Twitter to get my hourly dose of caustic satire. This recent post made me jump for joy:

JOB POSTING: Someecards is looking for writers! http://bit.ly/Gypts

It even says I could make up to DOZENS of dollars a week!

The application involves writing 8 cards. Here are a few I wrote. What are your favorites? Help me get this job, guys!

I hope you get the Someecards job so you can get paid to be amused by yourself.
Sorry I took you to ALL ABOUT STEVE but watching the movie was more fun than talking to you.
I stopped buying porn when Mad Men became available On Demand.
Don Draper's sex slump reminds me of our honeymoon.
I wish the health care issue would get resolved so I can stop pretending to know what is going on.
I feel better knowing your new girlfriend is not as pretty as me.
I didn't RSVP to your Evite because I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I know you.
I hope you don't get the H1N1 virus so you can cover my shift when I pretend I do.
Sorry I missed that important memo when I was busy laughing at my own Tweets.
I wish I could clone you so more people would think I'm funny.

10 questions for Quentin...

2009-09-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I became the last person in the world to see INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS and I must say, I quite liked it (but I suppose anything after ALL ABOUT STEVE is going to seem genius to me). In my humble opinion, it was Tarantino's best film since PULP FICTION and one of the better Nazi movies I've seen (though I've never been a sucker for WWII flicks). Overall, I thought it was exceptional filmmaking and is deserving of some sort of recognition come awards season (it is a holocaust movie, after all).

HOWEVER!

Being the uber d-girl that I am, after I see any movie, I can't help myself from over analyzing structure, characters, logic, etc... So, Quentin, if you are reading this, I have a few development questions:

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!

1) Why did the Jew Hunter order Shosanna/Mimieux milk with her strudel if he didn't recognize her from when he annihilated her family? Is that just to falsely make me think she is about to get slaughtered like her siblings? Sounds a little bit like a cheap device to me.

2) We set up the Jew Hunter as being brilliant. He has Roald Dahl's Witches-like staggering ability to sniff out a rat (read: Jew). So if he is so smart, how could he be so stupid as to not only disarm himself with the Basterds, but also to give Brad Pitt an entire artillery of firearms and daggers?! Seriously, he's German, he's smarter than that. If I were in Brad's position, I would have killed the fuck out of that Nazi terrorist... and I'm deathly scared of bees.

3) Mike Myers? Really?

4) Why go through the effort of getting B.J. Novack out of his "The Office" scheduling commitments if you are just going to use him as a glorified extra?

5) I must know the significance of the cream on the strudel that I had to wait 2 minutes of my life for it.

6) What were the ultimate stakes for the Basterds (from our p.o.v.) if we knew that the toe-headed Jewess was fully on track to burn the theatre down regardless of the Basterds' plan being executed?

7) Why must Basterds be spelled with an "e?" Someone on Twitter made the compelling point that now kids will think that's the correct way to spell the word (like Ludacris or Fabolous). Maybe Obama can clarify that spelling in his message to our youth (you know, if the Republicans approve of it).

8) How would a cinema expert be helpful in taking down Hitler? Is this Tarantino's fantasy that a film geek would be called upon to help take down the most feared dictator in modern history? I guess he was slightly realistic about his utility, since the guy had a bullet in his head by the end of the next scene.

9) Ultimately, in this fabulous revisionist history of Nazi Germany, Hitler is not taken down by the Basterds, but rather by that dainty little theatre owner with the sad eyes and her negro (dude, that's how he's referred to in the movie) boyfriend. Accordingly, shouldn't the film be called SHOSANNA'S JUNGLE FEVER AND THE BASTERDS?

Because I liked the movie so much, I will end on a compliment...

10) Oh my, Christoph Waltz, isn't your acting just absolutely delicious? Where have you been hiding? Yum!

And the rest of it: Sitges

2009-08-31T09:11:00.000-07:00

Sitges beach by day (for the guys… if you look closely, you can see boobs).

Sitges beach by night. There are people everywhere all night (this is the slow area).

And the rest of it: Madrid

2009-08-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

Ah, the Palacio Real. It’s massive and very, very royal. The dining room is the size of my office and apartment combined. Looks like there were a few kings here.

El Parque del Buen Retiro is kind of a smaller version of Central Park. There was lots of art, fountains, lakes and hot Spanish men running with their shirts off (real men, not the statue).

My hotel room in Madrid had a bidet.

The Estacion de Atocha does not just service trains coming in and out of Madrid, it also has a rainforest. Doesn’t your local train station have a rainforest?

And the rest of it: Barcelona

2009-08-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

The first thing I saw (besides La Ramblas, where I was too nervous to take my camera out to snap a picture, in fear of it being snatched from my hand) was the Barri Gotic (Gothic Quarter), which was right behind my hotel. In the center stands the Cathedral (kind of like Madonna or "The Pill"). It’s under construction (which is a running theme of houses of worship).

In the beautiful Montjuic park (which stands on a hill overlooking Barcelona) you will find the site of the 1992 Olympics. Here’s the inside of the stadium.

I took an awesome tram ride from Montjuic Park to Barceloneta. Here is a great view of the packed beaches of Barceloneta.

At nearly every corner there were very talented street musicians. I liked these guys. They were very old school. See the earlier post “The Cutest Thing I’ve Ever Seen” for a video of another great street band.

My argument for why I am now a Spanish Art expert: Madrid

2009-08-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

In Madrid, I got a much broader look at art ranging from the 13th century to as recent as this year at The Prado, Thyssen and Reina-Sofia.

Oh, Museo del Prado. It’s so massive, intimidating and famous. Inside I saw masterpieces from artists such as El Greco, Raphael, Velasquez, just to name a few. Most of the art was depictions of royalty and Christ. It was really old.

While I did not get to see the primary collection at the Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza, I did catch the Matisse exhibit.

Let’s take a minute to contemplate the Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina-Sofia Museum. There was some of the most bizarre modern art I have ever seen…

...As well as a few Picassos.

My argument for why I am now a Spanish Art expert: Barcelona

2009-08-31T08:17:00.001-07:00

As we all know, I grew up in NY. The bus route for my elementary school passed by some of the most famous museums in the world (including the Gueggenheim) and dropped me off in front of The Met everyday. I am no stranger to the masterpiece. However, I have never been so completely inundated with art and affected in such a profound way. In Barcelona, I visited museums dedicated to Salvador Dali, Jean Miro and Pablo Picasso (I couldn’t take pictures inside and there wasn’t much of a photo op outside, so no Picasso pics. Sorry!). Though, as you will see below, some of the best art wasn’t necessarily in a museum.

Not that Salvador Dali necessarily needs his own museum in Barcelona, since his art is pretty much in every other museum in Spain (well, except the ones dedicated to Picasso and Miro), but his less known art is pretty cool. It was compelling to see his work as a whole, as he developed into the surrealist artist he is famous for being.

The artist I was least familiar with and most taken aback by was Jean Miro. An impressive museum in Montjuic park is devoted to his work. Miro used the simplest lines, colors and shapes to depict some of the most profound art I have ever seen.

The city has commissioned some incredible art by some of the top artists, including Lichtenstein for display all around the streets. This one was pretty cool just down the block from Port Olympico in Barceloneta.

While the classic artists are all quite impressive, let’s not forget the forgotten art of graffiti. It is everywhere in Barcelona. Some of it is political, some of it is trash and some of it is pure art. Picasso reincarnated as a tagger?

The Gaudi, the Bad and the Ugly...

2009-08-31T07:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there really isn’t much bad or ugly about Barcelona (except perhaps Las Ramblas pick-pocketing), but there is a whole lot of Gaudi. To brush up your Antoni Gaudi knowledge, he was an architect in the late 19th and early 20th century who was responsible for the Barcelona façade, the father of the Moderniste movement. Here are some of the highlights.

THE CASCADE

The Cascade is a fountain in Parc Ciutadella that is modeled after the Trevi Fountain in Rome. In the earlier part of Gaudi’s career, he was the junior architect on it. His influence is obvious… anything bizarre is Gaudi.

LA PEDRERA

La Pedrera (FKA Casa Mila) is one of his famous apartment buildings. Gaudi was influenced by things in nature, such as reptiles and insects.

LA SAGRADA FAMILIA

There is not enough to say about La Sagrada Familia. This is an ongoing work that Gaudi devoted 45 years of his life to; that was his sole focus for 15 of them. It is an architectural and artistic masterpiece. Gaudi’s design intends for 18 towers (one of each of the 12 apostles, 4 for the evangelists, one for Mary and a big bad one for Jesus). The interior is expected to be completed in 2010, though the entirety won’t be finished until the mid-2030s. This is a really long time, considering they got going on the project in 1882. Remind me not to hire that contractor.

The carvings in La Sagrada Familia are worth noting. This is on the exterior wall. It is a depiction of Judas’ betrayal of Christ. The numbers on the left are like an early Sudoku puzzle. Every number adds up to 33, the age of Christ when he was crucified.

PARC GUELL

Just when I thought an apartment building and a cathedral were impressive enough, I visited Parc Guell. This Guell dude was a big fan of Gaudi’s, he even let him design his palace (pictures available upon request). One of the many projects this filthy rich lunatic commissioned Gaudi for was this park that looks like something out of Alice in Wonderland. This is just the entrance. Don’t you just want to eat it?

More stuff I did in Spain...

2009-08-31T07:29:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm back from Spain, I’m sure you all are asking yourselves if I actually saw any sights or just hung out with Spaniards, walked the streets and took pictures of street performers. Well, the answer is, yes, I did a lot, a whole damn lot. Here are the highlights from Barcelona, Madrid and Sitges. There is much, much more, but you will actually have to have a conversation with me in order to find out the rest.

**This pic is of my last night in Spain, admiring the Spanish moon from a jetty in Sitges.

Human Jenga: Sitges Edition

2009-08-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that Sitges is the dark horse in the Spanish race to my heart. Beautiful beaches and rows of fabulous shops and restaurants aside, the real treat is the street itself. At every corner the mood shifts, everything from upscale beaches to gay paradise, with incredible music/art/performance on each corner. The most incredible thing I saw was "Jo de, Jove de Sitges." I have zero clue what that means, but I do know what I saw (and what you will see -sideways- in the below video)... human Jenga. Men and women of all ages defy gravity as they create a tower, scaling each others' bodies to reach the top (sometimes 8 rows of people high) and make their way back down (I saw about 5 or 6 different teams do this in various formations). The most mind-blowing/frightening part was that the top level or two are made up of children. Not teenagers, but kids barely in Kindergarten. I mean, they had helmets, but come on, someone needs to call the Child Protective Services on these parents.

**Please turn your head sideways to the left to view properly. I promise, it's worth the strain.

Madrid, Spiderman and Vampires...

2009-08-28T15:20:00.001-07:00

While Barcelona is a bit of a historical/bohemian clusterfuck, Madrid plays a sort of Superman/Clark Kent duality. My first impression of Madrid was stuffy, clean and historic. Everything I saw reminded me of uptown Manhattan, the majority of the sites being grand museums with traditional artists, royal statues and palaces and government buildings. Two days all of a sudden felt like too much...

Until I met Dani, who has lived in Madrid his entire life and knows it's landscape, it's secrets and history like I know Greygoose. Through our 5 hour tour, I was able to see and learn about the various neighborhoods, the film, music, nightlife, traditions, excursions (you can ski 45 minutes away!), food (I still refuse to know how morcilla is made, because it is delicious and I don't want to ruin it).

By day, Madrid is traditional and grown up, but by night, the fun emerges and it truly becomes a lively and enigmatic city.

Ooh, "the fun emerges at night"... perhaps I should have compared it to Vampires instead of Superman, since Vampires are trendy right now.

Things to notice in the above picture: the subject is Dani; the setting is the massive square, the Plaza Mayor (or as Dani says, "Platha Mayor"); the joke is the really freaking fat Spiderman kneeling on his knee while he imbibes and busts a gut.

The United Nations Tapas Tour (or An American, Ecuadorian, Spaniard, Brazilian, Argentinian and Dane Walk Into A Bar...)

2009-08-26T18:52:00.000-07:00

My new friend Jamie invited me out for an international evening of Tapas and drinking (for them, not me). The cast included an American, American-Ecuadorian, a Spaniards (who is moving to Poland tomorrow), Brazilian, Argentinian and a Danish couple. At any given time there were three different languages being spoken. Luckily for me, Jamie is a professional Spanish-Danish-English translator (no joke). I tried to pay him for his services.

The cutest thing I've ever seen!

2009-08-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

Look how cute the little old couple is dancing on the street, how they seem like they have been doing this for decades. Watch till the end. There's a big plot twist.

The Top 10 things I've learned so far about Barcelona

2009-08-25T16:28:00.000-07:00

1) Nobody who lives Barcelona is in Barcelona in August.
2) Every Barcelona local speaks un poco Ingles.
3) Even at El Cortes Ingles, the department store with ENGLISH in the name, the highest level of English is un poco.
4) In Barcelona, they speak very quickly, kind of slur their words and don't speak Spanish, they speak Catalan. We're in Catalonia, trick!
5) There is minimal police presence and the cops wear neon vests, reminiscent of elementary school crossing guards.
6) There is very little serious crime.
7) There is a lot of petty crime.
8) The reason for this is that you cannot be arrested and can only be given a citation for any theft less than 250 Euros.
9) It is legal for a prostitute to offer sex.
10) It is illegal to solicit sex from a prostitute.

THE LESSON LEARNED:
I should start a pick-pocket/prostitution business to pay for Catalan lessons and a trip back to Barcelona in the fall.

My brief tour of Paris: Charles de Gaulle International Airport

2009-08-24T01:50:00.000-07:00

My flight arrived 40 minutes early with an already 1 hour 45 minute layover ahead of me. I was concerned I would have too much time and fall asleep in the airport, missing my connection to Barcelona (though Disneyland Paris could have been a nice alternative... get to that later). What I had not anticipated is that the trip from the plane to my connecting gate was about the length of an afternoon bus tour from the Louvre to the Eiffel Tower.

First, the plane lands and briefly taxis. I was shocked at how quick the trip from ground to gate actually was. As we deplane I quickly understand why. We were outside, smack in the middle of the tarmac, with no terminal in sight. After boarding a tram like bus, we went on a lovely 15 minute bumpy ride around the airport, packed like sardines, which left us off at a small and sparse looking lobby with one thing in it: a board listing (some) of the departing flights. Of course, mine wasn't on there, so that was extremely helpful.

The rest of the tour took me on a 20 minute walk through the main terminal where I got to see many things I couldn't see in the US: pay phones, machine guns and a transfer bus to Disneyland Paris (that I was very tempted to take, regardless of the original Disney being a 40 minute drive my from LA apartment). The pay phones may have just been there for show, as I tried to make a collect call and a credit card call from one and was wildly unsuccessful (mom, I did try to call you from Paris). The operator had impeccable English. Bonus.

As I made my way through, I got a nice whiff of an aromatic brioche, tempered my craving and proceeded another 15 minutes through the terminal and security to find my gate. Waiting like a caffeinated beacon, an espresso bar became my final destination where I ordered a delicious (and strong) caffe latte.

Just a few more minutes left till I board. It's time to leave Paris.

The French may make good coffee, but they could use a lesson in time management, convenience and airport planning.

The moral of this story being... I've really got to get to Disneyland sometime soon. Who's in?

***This blog entry was written in Paris, but not sent until arrival in Barcelona due to internet restrictions. Yes, mom, this means I am safe in my hotel in Barcelona.

Reason #5,678,977,125 I love NY...

2009-08-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Tres Bien Nails on 54th and 1st,

Thank you.

It's 11pm and my nails just dried. No, I did not shakily apply my own polish only to discover that my overgrown cuticle is pink and bubbles are starting to emerge. Absolutely not. I got a full spa mani/pedi with the extra 10 minute foot massage and the cappuccino flavored exfoliating scrub. And to top it off, I got all this done a half a block from my parent's apartment. Even better, I could have walked in right now and they would have worked my appendages to the bone into the wee hours. I didn't show up at 11, but I have comfort knowing I could have.

I have questions and I want answers. Why oh why in the lala land of plastic women can I not get a mani/pedi past 8pm? Why must the nail spa experience be crammed into a lunch hour (which only leads to ruined nails after paper starts getting pushed again at 2pm) or another errand to be added onto my already busy Saturday (which ultimately cripples me for the afternoon, since I can't use my wet fingers or toes)?

Getting your nails done is more relaxing than a crisp glass of Pinot Grigio, so at the end of my busy work day I should be able to cross the street, take off my shoes and let my worries melt away like my crappy old self-applied nail polish.

Contempo Nails on Robertson... I hope you're listening!

With love,

Kat

Last hours in LA...

2009-08-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

Flights, check. Hotel reservations, check. Passport renewal, check (barely). Almost packed and off to for days in NY, Barcelona, Madrid and Sitges.

I'm certain I've forgotten just about everything I need and packed my luggage full of things I will never wear/use. I'm also certain that my ticket will be sending me off to Barcelona, Argentina (who knew there was one), but that would likely be an adventure as well.

My passport expired earlier this year, which I realized when I was booking my flight this past weekend (I pathetically have not been out of the country since 2001). It turns out that renewing your passport at the last minute isn't very hard, especially when you show up in the Federal Building donning some serious cleave. Only problem is that with all the last minute prep, the pic that was taken is absolutely horrendous. I look like a Muppet. And not a cute one like Animal. Now, for the next decade, every time that I get excited to board a flight for an exotic new country, I will have to live with the shame of my ugly passport picture.

See you all when I hit EST.

Kat